Both are fine examples of the beauty of nature.

SHAWN: Most people would feel honored just knowing they live in a world with one wonder. Some selfish pricks may want two or three. But, hell, nobody could predict that this world would be so awesome as to grant us not a-one, not a-two, not a-three, not a-four, not a-five, not a-seven, not a-six, but a-SEVEN wonders. From the Grand Canyon to Mount Everest and the rest, the Seven Wonders of the World (natural-style) have provided mankind with sites to see, goals to reach, shit to climb and stuff to make IMAX movies about. Everything about them is awe-inspiring, whether it be from staring down the edge of a 360-foot waterfall or fishing illegally in a protected reef. And the fact that there’s only seven—no more, no less—makes them all the more amazing. Such an elite club of such beauty—it’s unmatched by anything anyone ever did anywhere ever.

RYAN: Nobody needs seven wonders of the world. Like you even said, one wonder is plenty for most people. Going all the way to seven is clearly just a case of someone trying way too hard to impress. Please. We get it. The beauty of nature and all that garbage. Too bad those seven wonders are all old and stale. If new and fresh is more your thing, then take a look at this rash I’ve had since Sunday. Unlike the Grand Canyon, this newfound rash is still surrounded by mystery and curiousity. Where did it come from? How did it get there? We’ll probably never know the answers, as they’re hidden under the haze of mango margaritas and lemon drops, but that won’t stop us from asking the questions. Better yet, unlike all those wonders of the world, this rash I’ve had since Sunday is convenient and accessible. I’d have to journey across the Earth to see even a handful of those so-called wonders (more like blunders!), but I can check out my newfound rash whenever I want by simply dropping my pants.

Is the glass walkway considered "natural"?

SHAWN: Sure, nobody needs seven wonders, but can there be too much of a good thing? Have you ever complained about excess sex, or excess candy? Oh, we didn’t need seven Go Daddy Super Bowl commercials—I understood what they were going for after one. Pshaw. We should be standing in shock and wonderment over how awesome our world is to provide us with more wonders than one person could ever see. Plus, with seven wonders, spread about, everyone has a chance to see at least one. I may have seen the Grand Canyon, but Joe Penguin can enjoy the auroras whenever his little penguin heart desires. As for that rash you’ve had since Sunday, Jesus Christ is that disgusting! Have you had that looked at? No, seriously, it’s really gross and a little bubbly. And mystery works for world wonders—try explaining how a “harbor” works, hot shot—but no one wants to see a mysterious rash, except for maybe a doctor, who even then doesn’t actually desire to see it. Plus, you keep hogging that rash for yourself. What if someone in Australia wants to see it? I guess they’ll have to settle for the Great Barrier Reef then, huh? That’s too bad.

RYAN: I’m not hogging. This rash I’ve had since Sunday is a badge I wear with honor that I’d be more than happy to share with anyone and everyone. All they have to do is ask. Maybe buy me a drink first. I hardly think that’s asking too much. Really, buying me a $12 appletini isn’t anything compared to all the money you’d drop just to see one of those lousy wonders. Airfare to Australia: $9,000. Cab ride to the coast: $100. Seeing the Great Barrier Reef with your own eyes. Meh. The problem with the wonders of the world is that there’s too many for any reasonable person to enjoy. They’ve oversaturated the marketplace, just like the Guitar Hero series. The first one seems great (Sweet, they got Journey!), but each one after seems less and less impressive. By the end, we don’t even care anymore (Oh, they got Pat Benatar?). But, you’re saying, seven wonders of the world isn’t all that much. True, but that’s just one list. What if I told you there were five different lists of wonders of the world? You’d be shocked, right? Well, don’t worry. There’s not five lists. There’s 10. Fucking 10! That’s 70 wonders! This rash may not be the most beautiful thing in the world. It’s bubbling, spreading rapidly, and is extremely itchy, but disgusting? Hardly. The only thing disgusting here is the way the once honorable title “wonder of the world” has been raped clean of all dignity and pride.

This guy just totally rocked out to Elton John.

SHAWN: Have you played Guitar Hero 5? Those games only improve with age! And the big difference between the Seven Wonders and the same game being made over and over is that each wonder is very different. Plus, nobody’s making you see all seven—hell, nobody’s making you play all the Guitar Hero games, but you keep selling blood to buy those—so you can’t complain about oversaturation. And you totally contradict yourself there: How can something be oversaturated if you yourself point out how difficult it is just to get to one of them? That’s like saying you don’t want a mansion because there are too many, when the truth is you just can’t afford one. But you know what? As I pointed out earlier, you don’t have to spend millions to get a wonder. They’re spread out all over, so you could just check out the Grand Canyon for a cheap-ass flight to Party Central, Nevada. Sure, there may be other lists of wonders of the world, but I’m not sure if you noticed me talking about the natural ones. Maybe we need an eighth wonder: How an illiterate like you can write so well. As for this rash…as for this rash…call me crazy, but I have a sneaking suspicion as to why nobody’s buying you an appletini to get a look at it. I’ve seen face transplants that have more appealing aesthetics.

RYAN: Oh, I didn’t realize you were able to pick which elements we were able to argue about. Must be nice for you, being able to decide the things that make the wonders of the world a complete sham are off limits. Oh well. I guess I can’t mention that all modern lists of wonders of the world make a complete mockery of the title. Nevermind that USA Today, New7Wonders Foundation, and American Society of Civil Engineers somehow have lists; or the fact that the natural wonders of the world was put together by CNN, a news organization so ridiculous they now rely on iReports for actual news items, because apparently I’m not allowed to mention those things. I think I can argue that those wonders of the world, oh, excuse me, “natural” wonders of the world aren’t nearly as spread out as you continue to claim, so I’ll go with that. Which wonder do the people in Europe go visit? What about the people in Russia? The Middle East? North Africa? Antarctica? Maybe North America can share one of its three wonders with them. I’d share this rash I’ve had since Sunday with them, but according to you, nobody would ever want such a thing. Perhaps you don’t realize the perks of having such a fine rash on your body. First, it’s a total character builder that’s made me a better person. Second, it looks really cool when it glows at night. Third, and this is right up your alley, it gives you an excuse to rub yourself with cream. Imagine, Shawn, the next time your wife walks in on you, you can simply say you’re treating your rash. Awkward situation, avoided. Thanks, rash!

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