Who will fill the void left by Billy Mays?

SHAWN: Goddammit! Here I am, on my stupid Verizon phone, trying to download a full-body picture of Luke Wilson (don’t ask), and it’s taking forever. I thought this was supposedly the best 3G network in town—nay, in these United States of America! Man, I wish I had AT&T. Sure, it may not have the best coverage—all but forsaking the states west of Iowa—but nobody lives out there in Nowheresville anyway. Thank goodness some brilliant, beautiful spokesperson came along to set things right and remind me who has more little Xs next to their characteristics on a chart made by AT&T—and, surprisingly enough, it’s the same wonderful man I was trying to download earlier. Luke Wilson is a person, a mascot and an actor for our time. Hilarious, genuine, and altruistic, he could sell a Red Lobster franchise to a pair of crab legs.

RYAN: I think we’re past the point of counting Luke Wilson as an actor now that he’s resorted to commercials. Sure, others do commericials too, but actors with dignity and self-respect just do voiceovers. Only the desperate, out-of-work actors are willing to whore themselves like that in front of a camera. Maybe he should spend less time getting fat and more time honing his craft. Though, I can understand if he got fat on filet o’ fish sandwiches at McDonald’s. The only thing more addicting than those sandwiches is the commercial for them. The “Gimme Back That Filet O’ Fish” fish is a damn selling machine. He’s got it all. A catchy song that stays in your head for days on end and an in-your-face attitude that totally clicks with the hard-to-reach 18-29 demographic. And his marketing savvy is uncanny, especially considering he’s a fish. Rookies like Luke Wilson try to sell things by boring us with all the things it can do. Wrong approach. The “Gimme Back That Filet O’ Fish” sells sandwiches by creating demand and saying he wants it back. Maybe we all didn’t want a filet o’ fish before, but we do now that someone tried to take it away. Well played, fish. Well played.

Only the boldest of men dare combine nine Filet O' Fish sandwiches into one.

SHAWN: First of all, 2001 called and it wants its Big Mouth Billy Bass back. You should be able to find it next to your Razor scooters, Elian Gonzales and all those wasted answering machine tapes with you yelling “WHASSUP!” on them. Talk about outdated, out-of-touch, and lacking in dignity and self-respect. Big Mouth Bill Bass is way more desperate than Luke Wilson, who is still appearing in a countless number of high-profile motion pictures like Middle Men and that Death at a Funeral remake of a movie that came out two years ago. If appearing in commercials means you’re washed up, you better tell Oscar-winning actress Catherine Zeta-Jones who won the Academy Award while appearing in commercials for T-Mobile. If anything, it proves that phone company commercials actually boost one’s career, as Luke Wilson is now more recognizable that Drew Barrymore’s Mac-loving boy toy. Now, if you think “Gimme Back That Filet O’ Fish” is catchy, you need to throw out your Ke$ha records ASAP and listen to some real music. Not only is that song more annoying than people who still quote Napoleon Dynamite, but it’s repetitive, goes on forever and now haunts you on the radio and in “gifts” at Walgreen’s that nobody buys. And, speaking of haunting, I believe there’s a line where the fish contemplates a man sandwich. That makes even Luke Wilson seem warm and inviting.

RYAN: Yeah, 1997 called, it wants its joke back. So what if the Big Mouth Billy Bass isn’t as popular now as a few years ago? The very same could be said for Luke Wilson. Oh, but he’s in those no-name movies you clearly found off of his IMDB page. Movies that no one will ever see because we all know Luke Wilson is a horribly overrated actor. That’s saying a lot, because he’s not even rated that high in the first place. The only time he’s ever been believable was in Royal Tenenbaums when he said “I’m going to kill myself today”, and really, I’m not entirely convinced he knew they were filming. So yes, he’s washed up, just like Catherine Zeta-Jones. Notice how her career has gone completely stagnant since she started doing Verizon commercials. That’s no coincidence. Just like it’s no coincidence that the Filet O’ Fish is the hottest selling sandwich in the country right now (citation needed). All because of that fine “Gimme Back That Filet O’ Fish” fish and its amazingly catchy tune. Yeah. It’s catchy because it gets stuck in your head, much like the $5 footlong song or that one song about 525,600 minutes (you’re welcome). It may be annoying and you may hate it, but it works. You find yourself humming the lines (Gimme back the Filet O’ Fish. Gimme that fish!), and next thing you know you’re in line at McDonald’s. I guess that’s what happens when a spokesman actually does his job.

There was a goldfish in that bowl, but then Luke Wilson ate it.

SHAWN: Phone call for you. It’s from a Mr. 1832. It wants its hairstyle back. But I digress. How dare you call an underrated actor like Luke Wilson overrated? Did you not see Royal Tenenbaums, even though you quote it, arguably one of the best movies of the last ten years? Yeah, he made every line in that believable. Plus, apparently you missed out on such gems as Old School, The Family Stone and Anchorman—probably because you were too busy slapping around your Big Mouth Billy Bass. And, wow, you just said that Catherine Zeta-Jones’s career went stagnant since she starting doing commercials? Maybe you missed out on my last argument—still slapping the bass?—but she won a freaking Oscar AFTER she started doing the commercials. And, for the record, they were for T-Mobile. Gees—clearly you don’t have your thumb on the pulse of Hollywood. Maybe your mind’s slowed from all those filet o’ fish sandwiches. Did you know one of those has enough grease for a whole season of Mad Men, and that each has enough sodium to blind a small child? Fun facts. By the way, do you know anybody, besides yourself, that goes around humming that “Gimme Back that Filet O’ Fish” song, or are you working on citations for that, too? Everybody thinks it’s annoying. It’s the Paris Hilton of commercials. People think it’s popular because everyone’s amused at how wretched it is. And, look at that, filet o’ fish sandwiches are seeing an increase in sales…but because of a little thing called Lent. Yeah, God’s doing a better job promoting it than that damn fish. But what’s that? Sales at AT&T are just fine? Sure, you can attribute it to the iPhone, but you but your ass Luke Wilson hasn’t hurt. What a fine man. I applaud him. You would too if all those filet o’ fish sandwiches didn’t render your arms incapable of movement.

RYAN: Oh, man, Mr. 1832 is calling me on the phone? Wow, that’s incredible, considering that telephones hadn’t even been invented by that time. Oh, snap! I guess that’s just another classic case of you making up shit as you go. You know, like all those unsubstantiated claims you threw around about the Filet O’ Fish. Enough grease for a season of Mad Men? Enough sodium to blind a small child? Whatever the Filet O’ Fish sandwich did to you, you need to let it go. Just like Luke Wilson let his dreams of being an actor go. Even you can’t argue that anymore. Look at how much you struggled to even name some of his movies. The Family Stone? I can tell you never saw The Family Stone as you haven’t yet gouged out your own eyes. And Anchorman? Really? Anchorman? You’re referencing a movie in which he had maybe 45 seconds of screen time? Well, thank you for making my point for me on how far Luke Wilson has fallen. But the “Gimme Me Back That Filet O’ Fish” fish is on the rise. So what if people are asking how and why he’s popular? What matters is that he’s popular. And he’s moving Filet O’ Fish sandwiches like it’s his job, which it is. If God wants to lend a helping hand, so be it. But don’t think for a second God is the only reason why. The “Gimme Back That Filet O’ Fish” fish has gotten people talking and thinking about those delicious fish sandwiches with a simple but catchy song that is as much fun to sing as the sandwich is to eat. Meanwhile Luke Wilson looks like a fool downloading pictures of himself and telling us about a girl he used to date. Really, Luke, could you be any more vain?

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