Hope we didn't spoil the ending for you.

RYAN: Wow. Talk about a twist. Bruce Willis is a ghost! My mind is still blown from that. M. Night Shyamalan is known for the twists at the end of his movies, and all these years later, this is easily the greatest of them all. Way better than the big reveal at the end of Lady in the Water, when we all learned how stupid we were to pay money to see that movie. I mean, wow. Bruce Willis. A ghost. Nobody can honestly say they saw that coming. Not even me, and I normally have an eagle eye for these sorts of things. Not to brag or anything, but I knew almost immediately that the Mighty Ducks were going to beat the Hawks in the championship game. But I had no idea what was happening in The Sixth Sense. I thought it was all about that little kid from Thunder Alley and all the creepy ghosts he saw from time to time. And then TWIST! Bruce Willis was one of those ghosts.

SHAWN: Pshaw. Bruce Willis is a ghost is a cheap trick compared to the undeniably unpredictable turnaround at the end of Planet of the Apes. Hell, even the movie title is leading you to believe that Charlton “Chew” Heston is on some kind of distant planet of the apes over 2,000 years in the future. But you know what? It was Earth all along! Earth!!! After trying to escape this horrible future planet where apes rule over man, it all turns out that it’s the very planet we all live on today. Our future is a planet of the apes. It really makes you think. Maybe we should all reconsider the ways we treat apes—especially you, Ryan, and the frequency in which you plaster your naked ass on the gorilla cages at the zoo to taunt them. Sure, The Sixth Sense had a twist, but once it came out it was obvious. Now, Planet of the Apes gave us a twist that made us reconsider the way we live, long after the initial shock wore off. Making us think? God damn you all to hell!

Bruce Willis (left) with Toni Collette (right) in The Sixth Sense.

RYAN: There was nothing cheap about Bruce Willis being a ghost. It was masterfully set up by one of the most iconic directors of our time. Shyamalan put all the hints right in front of our faces, but we were too busy stuffing ourselves full of popcorn to even notice. No one but the kid ever talked to Bruce Willis because they couldn’t even see him. His wife wasn’t being a bitch and completely ignoring him like we all thought. She just thought he was dead and gone. But he wasn’t. He was a ghost. And here he was, trying to help the boy who saw ghosts, when he himself was a ghost! Oh, the irony. The delicious, delicious irony. Yes, once that twist came out, it was obvious, as is the case with ANY twist in ANY movie. But The Sixth Sense’s twist was far superior because it never told us that Bruce Willis was alive. We just all immediately raced to that conclusion on our own, setting ourselves up for the big reveal. Planet of the Apes resorted to low-class tactics for its twist. The whole movie we were told they were on some distant planet, and then at the last minute they were all “Hey, we lied. It actually is Earth.” That doesn’t seem well thought out. That seems like a last minute addition to make a movie suck a little bit less.

SHAWN: Are you saying that Bruce Willis being a ghost wasn’t a tacked-on ending to make that movie suck less? Would The Sixth Sense have been just as good without the twist? Do you remember a single other scene besides the ending, you damn, dirty ape? No, you don’t, because it’s a mediocre movie that got hype because of the old switcheroo. Planet of the Apes, however, is one hell of a thriller and the ending enhances its awesomeness, rather than revealing the fact that you just endured a two-hour mind-fuck and nothing more. On top of that, maybe if you saw Planet of the Apes, you’d know it had a delightful setup and planted the seeds for the phenomenal twist through and through anyway. How have the apes, on an allegedly uninhabitable planet, domesticated horses? They must’ve already been there! How come the apes have the same class system as humans? Did that happen organically? What’s this technologically advanced civilization Cornelius is revealing the remnants of? And where did Dr. Zaius go to med school? Probably Northwestern! It’s all there, if you’re willing to pay a lick of attention. Yet the ending makes you not just question the film you just saw, but life as you know it. And Shylamalan is one of the most iconic directors of our time? Do I really need to direct our readers back to your hilarious Lady in the Water zinger?

"I...saw...Lady in the Water."

RYAN: Please, son, there were many memorable scenes in the Sixth Sense. You’d remember them if you didn’t spend the whole movie trying to cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn you were sharing with your mom. The girl dying of cancer and her homemade video. The children hanging in the school. Bruce Willis being shot. Saying that the Sixth Sense was a mediocre movie sans for one scene is just being ignorant. Why are you so damn ignorant? If you think the twist to Planet of the Apes was tacked on, fine, but even you can’t argue there’s an inherent difference between the execution. Sixth Sense’s setup was intellectual, based on superior writing and filmmaking. It gave subtle clues to the ending — Bruce Willis not wearing his wedding ring, Bruce Willis wearing the clothes he was shot in, and his wife being cold whenever he was around. Meanwhile, much like a monkey with a pile of feces in hand, Planet of the Apes obnoxiously threw all its hints right in our faces. And “hints” is a bit of stretch, considering the “setup” you speak so highly of consisted of a character literally saying they were on some faraway planet. Oh, so subtle! If a movie as horribly put together as Planet of the Apes can make you question your life, then you have quite possibly the saddest life of anyone I’ve ever met. And I once met Frank Stallone (nice guy, that Frank). And yeah, Shylamalan is an iconic filmmaker. He doesn’t make amazing movies each time out, but who does? Certainly not the director of Planet of the Apes. He’s such an unknown I could literally make up a name right now and nobody would know the difference. Hmmm, oh, I don’t know, how about… Franklin Schaffner? Yeahhhh, that’s the name of the director… or is it?

SHAWN: Okay, all those scenes you just mentioned from The Sixth Sense? Yeah, I don’t remember them, and neither does anyone else who saw the movie over ten years ago when it came out. And that may well be the fatal flaw of the movie right there—once it’s done, is it ever worth seeing ever again? The whole movie is about a twist, so once it’s revealed what’s left? Bruce Willis’s fine acting? Nah, can’t be that one. And the fact that Planet of the Apes has obvious hints makes it all the better—you can actually sit back and enjoy it if you want, because it’s a fucking movie. Who wants to spend the whole movie playing I Spy? And who’s this Franklin Schaffner, you ask? Well, have you heard of the movie Patton? Yeah, he directed that—oh, and won an Academy Award for it, thus solidifying himself as a legend. How many Academy Awards has Shyamalan won? None, you say? Yep. So, overall, at its core, Planet of the Apes is simply way more exciting. Heroes get killed, there are chase scenes, the costumes are like five years ahead of their time—that’s a movie. You’re not only interested in paying attention because your friend saw the movie last week and told you there was a twist, but you’re actually excited about the plot and the characters and—when you find out it was Earth all along—you’re all, “WHAT THE FUCK?!” and you actually feel something because you were running from the apes with Charleton Heston. You know, as opposed to getting to the ending of The Sixth Sense, being all, “That’s the twist?” and then telling other people, “Meh, it was an alright movie. Could have used an entire planet of apes, though.”

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