Fun for kids of all ages! Especially the young, impressionable ones.

SHAWN: Slam! That’s the sound of fun! And that’s because you’re playing with the greatest combination toy-collectible-art that ever floated by—pogs. With just a few hundred of those little guys (5 cents a piece) and one hell of an awe-inspiring slammer, you’ve got yourself the ultimate collectible game. Kids loved it more than other collectible card games like Pokemon, Magic, and Bridge, for good reason. The sky was the limit with pogs. They had Ninja Turtle pogs, Backstreet Boys pogs, baby kitten pogs, Casper the Movie pogs, G.I. Joe pogs, baseball pogs, Goosebumps pogs, Christian pogs, Batman pogs, pog pogs—every pog you could dream of, you could have. Hell, with the advent of the pog maker, the only limitation was your own imagination, explaining why Ryan only had 12 pogs.

RYAN: Real fun doesn’t sound come from a slam. It comes from a bam. A big, loud, ear-splitting, make-the-bad-man-go-away BAM! Like the sound of me firing this here Desert Eagle pistol. This baby’s the real deal. It’s got more girth than that puny pistol you’re used to carrying around in your pants, which obviously means I’m a way bigger man than you. The bigger size also means it’s heavier than the normal pistol, but in a good way. Empowering even. Like, nothing bad could possibly happen to me when I’m holding this little doozy in my hands. And that’s a feeling that will never go away. Unlike pogs. I’d say pogs were nothing more than a fad, but usually fads have some sort of staying power, if only for a week. Pogs disappeared almost immediately after they appeared. The only people who still talk about them are the same losers who still play with them. So still getting much use out of that pog maker of yours? You don’t have to answer. I can already see you are by the look of that Jonas Brothers wedding picture pog you’re caressing ever so gently.

Oh, snap, yo! I just landed myself the black AND blue Power Ranger pog!

SHAWN: Someone’s overcompensating (it’s you). Way to carry around a massive gun to make women think you’re well-endowed (fun fact: they don’t think that). Do you also still stuff bell peppers down your pants? Haven’t you learned that those just make women think you have a horribly disfiguring dick cancer? Maybe you feel comfortable holding the long metal shaft of that Desert Eagle gun because you’re so used to wrapping your hand around smooth shafts. Did you nickname your gun “little boy” yet? No matter your reasons for liking it, it’s still a gun—a wretched killing machine—and it should be for military, and political, use only. Pogs, however, were for everyone. Teens collected pogs. Preteens collected pogs. Grownups collected pogs. Dogs collected pogs (adorable!). Not only that, but they were infused with your own personality, unlike mass-produced heaps of metal. Your slammer was you—whether it be a skull and crossbones (my sister’s) or a unicorn sniffing a dandelion (mine). And, yes, they were a “fad” if you will, just like everything else people in the world like including television, leggings and music. It doesn’t make them any less of a gentle reminder of fun, accepting days. I’ll take that over guns anytime.

RYAN: I suppose you’d like the long, smooth shaft of my Desert Eagle more if you could wrap your mouth around it. Yeah, that’s right. A suicide and gay joke rolled into one. I hope you enjoyed that as much as I’m enjoying the unbridled power of my Desert Eagle. Overcompensating? Hardly. If anything, I’d say I’m undercompensating with this gun, hoping the bulge from this gun will distract from the larger one in my pants. And no, I don’t stuff my pants with a bell pepper… anymore. I prefer ears of corn now. Shucked of course. Yes, my Desert Eagle may be mass produced, but its serial number means its still quite unique. Or, it would if I hadn’t long ago filed it down. Be that as it may, pogs and slammers are just as mass produced as Desert Eagles. It’s not like stores in the early 90s were meticulously hand-crafting all those pogs and slammers themselves. Nope. They were all produced in mass quantities just like my Desert Eagle. The main difference is my Desert Eagle is still useful. For killing strangers, intimidating children, showing off to friends, pistol whipping family, and oh so much more. Pogs, on the other hand, serve absolutely no purpose anymore. I suppose you could use them as coasters for shot glasses, but even that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Just relax your throat a bit.

SHAWN: Way to alienate all our suicidal and gay readers simultaneously. This is exactly why our profits are way down. Damage control: Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, Sarah Palin naked, Heidi Montag, Google, David After Dentist plays basketball with Mariah Carey. Phew—that should get some readers tricked back over here. Of course, these new readers may be horrified by your love of violent weaponry. You really think filing down serial numbers on your guns isn’t wrong? Um, more importantly, should I be frightened to question your murderous tendencies? Granted, pogs were mass produced—on account of how desirable they were—but there were still numerous varieties. There’s one type of Desert Eagle pistol and you can’t personalize it with a New Kids on the Block sticker, no matter how many you put on there yourself, Ryan. Slammers and pogs are still useful—albeit not as much as before—but as long as you have both, you have a brilliant game on your hands. Again, though, at the very least they are not evil. Using your gun to scare kids, murder strangers and abuse families? For shame. This is a new low for you. Yet maybe this new side will earn you your very own pog in the new collectible series—Horrible People.

RYAN: I’m not too worried about alienating the suicidal readers since they can’t be counted on for our long-term growth. The readers who haven’t given up on life know I’ve always had an affinity for violence. Just look at all the things I’ve vehemently defended: swords, Russian roulette, parades. A track record like that should make my defense of the Desert Eagle seem normal. And, yes, I filed down the serial numbers. It’s not because I don’t think it’s wrong. It’s because I had to cover my ass a little bit because of how a certain “disagreement” played out. For the record, guns themselves are not evil. They may occasionally be used for killing and things of that evil nature, but a pog or slammer would be just as bad in the hands of an evil person. Thankfully we don’t have to worry about that since no one has pogs or slammers anymore. But guns can be good too. A gun in the hands of a good person is an instrument of justice, used to free people from tyranny. Plus, everyone looks so badass when they carry a gun. Especially if they hold it sideways. Oh, man, it looks so cool. But if it makes you happy, I’ll gladly turn in my Desert Eagle at the next Toys for Guns program. Just promise me I’ll get a really cool toy, and not stuck with some lowly set of Power Rangers pogs.

Next On Danger Queue: Zeus vs Hey, Arnold!—There’s Gonna Be So Much Wrath