Because we surely can't cook our own breakfast.

SHAWN: Breakfast is easily one of the three most important meals of the day, so why would you want to stuff anything subpar down your gullet for it? Thankfully, God (and that little Dunkin’ guy) gave us donuts. Not only do they come in an array of sizes, shapes and flavors (sprinkles!), but they’re so sweet and delicious you might not need to eat for another two hours or so. Hell, some are stuffed with shit like jelly, jam or marmalade! They really are a phenomenal treat that’s quick and easy—you don’t have to spread anything on them yourself—and they are entirely eatable, with a hole for holding or sometimes a long, skinny shape for conveniently shoving them in and out of your mouth. They’re just as easy to find, with Dunkin’ Donuts now required to set up shop at every corner in the country. On top of that, donuts are really cheap. Like insanely cheap. Like you can buy a dozen of them for the price of two hours parking. I have a place for those 12 donuts to park—in my mouth.

RYAN: Breakfast is definitely one of the most important meals during the day. Way more important than brunch or lupper. So stop wasting your time shoving dozens upon dozens of things in and out of your mouth like you’re back in college. When I eat breakfast, I want something quick that can power me through the morning. Donuts may taste kind of good, depending on what color sprinkles you got, but you said it best: they’re nothing more than a treat. When I climb out of my racecar bed each morning, I’m not looking for a treat. I’m looking for a meal. That’s why time after time, I start my day with a hearty bagel. Delicious. Filling. Delicious. Bagels are everything you could ever want from a breakfast food. Possibly more, depending on what exactly you want. But if you want variety at breakfast, oh shit, then you need to go and get your bagel on. Cinnamon. Raisin. Even cinnamon raisin!

Not shown: Five-gallon tub of reduced fat cream cheese.

SHAWN: Wow—three varieties of bagel that are all basically the same? How could that be possible?! Such intensity! So how are those cruller bagels? And the knot-shaped ones? And the jelly-filled? And the sprinkles? And the chocolate? And the powdered? And, yeah, bagel varieties got nothing on donuts. Plus, bagels are hardly hearty, what with their immense calories, simple structure, and inability to be considered well-balanced in any regard. Granted, donuts are a treat as well, but don’t pretend bagels are more than the pride of New York Jews. There’s, what, like one Einstein Bros. for every 5,000 Dunkin’ Donuts? Yeah, because people like awesome food. I mean, donuts are fried fucking dough, stuffed and coated and sprinkled and intensified. You don’t need to buy a $5 bucket of cream cheese (or “schmear”, a word generally reserved for the way feces coat the inside of a toilet bowl) to make them palatable. They’re already perfect.

RYAN: Wow. So many contradictions there I don’t even know where to start. You say bagels have a “simple structure”. Do you ever actually look at a donut before shoving it in your mouth? Cause most of them have the exact same “structure” as a bagel. A circle with a hole in the middle that’s meant for holding it but I know you use it for other unholy, frowned-upon things. Oh, and bagels are so unhealthy because of all those calories, huh? If you were really worried about your caloric intake, I doubt you’d be eating a bunch of fried dough smeared with icing and sprinkles. Unless you were itching for one of those heart attacks everyone’s talking about nowadays. Bagels are just as delicious as donuts, but way healthier. With donuts, you’re stuck trusting some shady, bleary-eyed hooligan to spray globs and globs of icing on your donuts, if it’s even icing in the first place. With bagels, you’re in control. You choose what kind of cream cheese you get and you choose how much to use. Maybe you want to pile it on there. Maybe you want just a smidge. Bagels won’t force you to shove anything you don’t want down your mouth. Though I know you go for that sort of thing.

I think Shawn just Krispy Kreme'd his pants.

SHAWN: Oh my God, why can’t you read? When I talked about bagels’ “simple structure”, I was saying it meant they weren’t a meal. I then also said donuts weren’t a meal, but apparently you write your responses before actually finishing reading the paragraphs. Gees. Head in the game, Ryan. Everyone knows that’s my thing. But I’m saying I agree that bagels are just like donuts, except for the one important distinction—donuts come in an infinite variety, all delicious, and all tastier than your stupid bagels. If you’re going to suck down a holey object bursting with calories, anyone with half a brain would pick donuts over bagels, which are the Josh Duhamel of breakfast food (you only turn to bagels when all the other movies starring delicious donuts are sold out). And, speaking of contradictions, did you just say bagels are healthier? Is it the sesame seeds that fooled you? Because, get this, hot shot: according to the nutritional values right there accessible online, one glazed donut is 180 calories, while one gross PLAIN bagel (no cream cheese) is 340 calories (540 with cream cheese). Suck on that. And what Dunkin’ Donuts do you go to where you’re not in control of the kind of donut you get? Yeah, you don’t say, “One donut, please,” and see what the hell drops in the bag—you tell them what you want (“chocolate, with sprinkles, and stuffed with grape jelly and radishes please”) and, sure enough, they fucking already have it made! No work on your part! Anyway, I guess I’ll just stop writing now since you’re only going to respond to the first seven words.

RYAN: Sorry, I didn’t know you were channeling your inner Gary Busey and expecting me to read between the words you didn’t bother writing. I’ll try and do better the next time, I promise. I don’t know what AOL member’s homepage you pulled those nutritional values from (PrEtTyPrInCeSs1994?), but they’re certainly not real. At the very least, they’re not from Dunkin Donuts, which is surprising considering how you’ve gone out of your way to mention their stores this entire time. Either you’re completely obsessed with their food or you’re angling to get some freebies. At Dunkin Donuts, a regular, gross, glazed donut, which nobody eats, comes in at 220 calories. A chocolate frosted cake donut: 340 calories. I don’t see any nutritional info for any stuffed with jelly and radishes, but it’s certainly high. Even if your nutritional values were real, which they aren’t, you’re overlooking the fact that donuts are so unfulfilling that everyone eats at least 2 or 3 of them at a time. Or at least that’s what I gathered from reading what you said about them only holding you over for 2 hours or so. Was that another case of you meaning something different than what you wrote? What bagels may lack in variety and deliciousness, they more than make up for with their versatility. Donuts are limited to breakfast and only breakfast, unless your life is so sad you resort to eating donuts for dinner, in which case my heart goes out to you. Bagels, on the other hand, continue to shine on during lunch and dinner. Or have you never heard of a little thing called pizza bagels? Hmmm. Interesting. Does anyone make a pizza donut? Yeah. Thought not.

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