I vant to suck your stock options.

RYAN: Some people like to think vampires are the hip, new thing, what with all the recent success of Twilight, True Blood, and How I Met Your Mother. But really, vampires never went away in the first place. From the original Dracula movie all those years ago to Interview with a Vampire to the Leslie Nielson version of Dracula, vampires have always been a staple of our popular culture. It’s easy to see why. These (supposedly) mythical creatures are far superior to humans in every regard. Depending on what you believe, they not only live forever, but they also have super strength, the ability to fly, wicked awesome fangs, and beautiful ivory skin. And if it weren’t for vampires, our nation’s youth might not know the simple pleasure of receiving a hickey. What? You didn’t actually think people started sucking each other’s necks for no reason, did you?

SHAWN: Oh, if you’re looking for beautiful ivory skin—and for something that actually exists—look no further, my friend, than the grandiose hermits we know as actuaries. Girls fall in love with vampires like Whitey McTwilight because of the risk and the danger. Well, nobody understands risk more than an actuary! With his deep understanding of financial security systems, and ability to crunch numbers and extricate risk and uncertainty percentages from them, the actuary is just as wicked awesome as vampires, but makes way more money and is a better father (research pending). Vampires are just a flash in the pan—yeah, they’ve been popular before, but only in short bursts. Even you don’t remember the name of Leslie Nielson’s shitty vampire movie. Maybe actuaries don’t get the same media attention—and don’t emit the same raw sexiness—but there’s something sexy about a stable family man who can crunch numbers like it’s his job, because it is. Try making out with a vampire and you’ll have to buy life insurance first. Try making out with an actuary and you’ll also have to buy life insurance first, but because it’s responsible and you care about your family’s financial future.

Crunch those sexy numbers.

RYAN: Absolutely nothing you said right there about actuaries could be described as “wicked awesome”. Crunching numbers, extricating risk, financial security systems. Those are all boring things that make me want to swallow a handful of sleeping pills but then later, after a well-publicized visit to the emergency room, claim I was confused by the label. If this were high school, vampires would be the cool, misunderstood kid who only shows up to class if he feels like it. Actuaries would be the pimply faced nerd who spends his weekends participating in mathletics. Actuaries don’t get any media attention because they’re not worthy of anyone’s attention. They do nothing of value, unless you consider making sure insurance companies don’t lose too much money something that’s valuable. If you do, then you’re probably an actuary. The problem with actuaries is they’re conformists, blindly following every rule and formula. But vampires are so amazing because they laugh in the face of all those rules. Flying, drinking people’s blood, staying up all hours of the night. By an actuary’s logic, vampires are at high risk for an early death. Well, too bad actuary, because vampires live for-fucking-ever.

SHAWN: Vampires may say they live forever, but throw garlic salt on one, drag him into the sunlight, shove a cross in his face, and then stab him in the heart with a wooden stake, and you’ll be singing a different tune. Sure, actuaries also die in sunlight, but that’s only because their pale skin burns quickly—it’s not an all-destructive kryptonite. And just because you think an actuary’s job is boring doesn’t mean everyone else does. Maybe you should talk to one before you take those sleeping pills and he’ll tell you that (a) it’s not a good idea without the proper coverage, and (b) he’s pretty damn cool. Did you know the actuary Maurice Princet actually had a critical influence on Pablo Picasso and the entire cubist movement? Now who’s cool? And saying actuaries do nothing of value ignores the fact that they do everything of value—it’s one of the best and highest paid jobs in the country, according to several dying newspapers. How much do vampires get paid? Oh, wait, nothing—because they’re evil and suck the blood from humans. Actuaries merely suck out stupidity and replace it with proper financial assessment.

Books prey on virgins too.

RYAN: Oh, now come on. Everyone knows Maurice Princet was a mathematician first, actuary second. He only influenced the cubist movement because of his work in the field of math. Not because of what he did, if anything, as an actuary. That’s like saying Michael Jordan influenced the world of sports because of his career as a baseball player. Nobody would ever believe something as ludicrous as that. Not even Ludicris himself. And for the record, just because actuaries are paid well doesn’t mean they have the best jobs. Garbage men are paid well too. Because nobody wants to do it. So to create a demand for the field, the jobs are high-paying. That hardly makes the job any less boring. And really, not all vampires are evil. That’s just a stereotype that’s unfortunately still prevalent because of ignorant people like you who believe anything you see on the picture radio. Vampires are simply misunderstood. There’s no need to form an angry mob and march up to their homes while waving torches and pitchforks, all so you can run them out of town. Vampires want nothing more than to live a peaceful, secluded existence in their large, gothic castles. And maybe occassionally feast on the necks of some naive women who fall victim to the vampires’ unrivaled powers of seduction. Who are you to say that makes them “evil”? If vampires truly are “evil”, then how do you explain all the unheralded charity work they do for the Red Cross?

SHAWN: Whether or not Princet influenced cubism via actuarial work is out of the question, as he did influence cubism and he was an actuary, thus proving that actuaries can rock as hard as the next vampire. And I’m not sure what diamond-wearing, mansion-living, millionaire garbage men you know, because even though they get paid well, they’re not one of the best paid jobs in the country. Actuaries have challenging jobs that take a ton of work and testing to get into, and they get paid accordingly. Don’t be jealous of their superior intelligence, grit, stamina and agility. And, yeah, they have agility. They’re like math ninjas with the way they can work around percentages without ever touching the floor. They’re the real misunderstood species, silently solving mathematical problems everyone else is scared to tackle. As for vampires, it’s pretty easy to understand that sucking human blood is evil. Maybe they attract angry mobs because of all the murder? Have you considered that? If they wanted solitary existence, they wouldn’t seek out virgin blood to suck. And get out of your naïve little world, my friend, as they don’t actually donate any of that blood to the Red Cross, like they say they do! They keep it for themselves! As for actuaries, the only thing they keep is a deep comprehension of your finances and they use those powers to help others. People generally don’t form mobs to stop that.