RYAN: As far as I’m concerned, there are two kinds of people in the world: those who like beef jerky and those who LOVE beef jerky. I fall into the latter. Beef jerky is the finest of all manmade creations. I mean, beef is already amazingly delicious. We could have stopped there and the world would still be a wonderful place. But no, someone had the foresight to realize that jerking meat is not only good, it’s fantastic. So much pleasure. So much enjoyment. I always tell people that I would be in heaven if for dessert somebody laid out a nice spread of beef jerky. They always laugh because they think I’m joking, but I’m not. That would be the best dinner party ever (hint, hint). In fact, I love beef jerky so much, I asked for some for Christmas. And I got it. Related note: It was the best Christmas ever.

SHAWN: You seem to have forgotten the third group of beef jerky-ness: those who prefer not to eat the dried innards of God-knows-what animal that’s been sitting at the front counter of 7Eleven for the last 12 years, untouched. Granted, beef is great—so it’s silly to jerk it around and mess it up and turn it into a gross-ass treat that most truckers are a little scared to touch. But you know what else is silly—and HILARIOUS—to jerk around? PEOPLE! And it’s even more awesome when they’re on the phone. And that’s why The Jerky Boys is still the best comedy/prank phone call duo in history, as relevant today as the Butthole Surfers. Sammy Cox? Jocko Johnson? Frank Rizzo? Each character just got funnier and funnier. Oh ho, that one has a lisp and is coming on to an unsuspecting dry cleaner! Brilliant! And just hearing the unsuspecting victims wonder why some guy on the phone is telling them about how his mother pours hot wax on his genitals is just the greatest humor possibly ever invented. Trust me—a Jerky Boys CD will be way more entertaining than a beef jerky dinner party, especially since you’d be the only guest at the latter.

RYAN: Anyone who doesn’t eat beef jerky is obviously not a person, but rather a heartless, tasteless monster that despises all things that are great. And believe me, beef jerky is great. So many delicious flavors ready to be enjoyed in a moment’s notice. Original, teriyaki, hot, spicy, black pepper, even original! But it’s not just the heavenly taste that makes beef jerky so grand. There’s also the fact beef jerky was monumentally important to the survival of early man. In a time when food would spoil almost immediately, beef jerky was a key method of food preservation. Frankly, without beef jerky, the human race might not have made it. Luckily, we don’t have to worry about a world without beef jerky. A world without the Jerky Boys, though, well, isn’t that what we’ve been living in for the past 10 years? The Jerky Boys had their 15 minutes, which somehow led to a couple CDs and a movie that I can only imagine was horrible beyond belief, and then they disappeared like so many others. Probably cause what they did got old fast and was in horrible taste. So you know, the exact opposite of beef jerky. You joke about the beef jerky in 7Eleven that’s 12 years old, but there’s no doubt that tastes just as good today as it did 12 years ago.

SHAWN: Must you alienate 90% of our readers every time you open your mouth? People who don’t eat beef jerky aren’t monsters, but humans who care about not shoving overly processed “meat” into their guts. They just care a little about themselves and don’t need to turn to a greasy meat-stick for solace. And maybe beef jerky was useful in its heyday—when the choices were apparently either beef jerky or death—but that’s not the case anymore. Now, people have other options, like actual beef or food that comes from food. However, when it comes to brilliant prank phone call-related comedy, people still only have one choice, even if they haven’t always been around the past few years—The Jerky Boys. Not everyone’s 15 minutes of fame lead to CDs and a movie, so don’t under-represent their accomplishments. You know who else did a couple CDs and then stopped? Barack Obama. So back off. And I didn’t realize you were a 60-year-old woman, calling the Jerky Boys “in horrible taste.” What’s so bad taste about a little filthy comedy? Toughen up a bit, you prude. The chicken can only cross the road so many times before it takes Jack Tors calling up a pizza place to ask for sex toys to get a laugh. And, oh, did that get laughs! I guess that’s one thing it has in common with beef jerky.

RYAN: Don’t worry; I’m the blog equivalent of Howard Stern, where the people who hate me actually read me more than the people who like me. So hate away, you non-beef-jerky-eating idiots. Hate away. And really, you’d have to be an idiot to not eat beef jerky. What’s not to like? It takes meat, which is something that everyone obviously enjoys or at the very least should enjoy (circle of life, people), and combines it with salt and then packs mountains of flavor on top of that. You don’t have a problem with flavor now too, do you? We may have more options for food nowadays, but give me a tub of beef jerky and I’ll be good for a month. As far as I’m concerned, all other food is completely unnecessary. Just like the Jerky Boys. I don’t know if you’ve recently listened to a Jerky Boys CD, but prank phone call-related comedy does not hold up well. Listening to their CDs is like watching an Austin Powers movie. You sit there the whole time knowing that you used to laugh at certain parts, but you can’t help but wonder why the hell you used to think it was funny. At least Austin Powers had Alotta Fagina and her fake tits floating in the hot tub. Now I think we can all agree THAT is timeless.

SHAWN: First of all, the traits you share with Howard Stern end with your long, curly hair; otherwise, we’d be making way more off this blog (please click on ads). Clearly all that salted meat has gone to your head, as even you admit that the beef jerky at 7Eleven often sits there for years on end, thus demonstrating that nobody eats it. So you’re calling pretty much everyone in the world idiots for not eating beef jerky? You sure know how to win an argument. And generically calling them “flavored” isn’t helping your cause either. I believe in some cultures “bull vomit and pickled testicles” is a flavor. I’d like to see you live on beef jerky for the rest of your life and see how healthy you end up. I’d say it would result in you being pale, frail and unable to breathe readily, but how would we tell? As for the Jerky Boys, we’ve already established that your sensibilities have grown prudish and feminine, so there’s no wonder you don’t care for them like you used to. Sure, you have to use your imagine more, but the Jerky Boys have just as much vagina and tits as Austin Powers—just the verbal variety. Like beef jerky, they’re not everybody’s taste—but, if you like comedy, you love them for paving the way for everything from Crank Yankers to half of the CollegeHumor.com skits. Unlike beef jerky, though, the Jerky Boys don’t pump you full of enough high-fructose corn syrup to make you think you’re eating more than dried cow anus.

Next on Danger Queue: Luke Wilson vs The “Gimme Back That Filet O’ Fish” Fish—Whatever They’re Selling, I’m Buying

Tags: Beef Jerky, The Jerky Boys

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010 at 9:17 am and is filed under Beef Jerky, The Jerky Boys. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.