Sweat vs Tears
I think I just wet myself.
RYAN: Making this world a better place is hard work. Doesn’t bother me though. Cause I know that you can’t make a difference without breaking a sweat. Sweat is the grease that keeps the gears of the world moving smoothly. But our lazy, TV-watching society has gone soft. The closest they get to sweat is putting on a well-worn pair of sweat paints. Not me though. I love a good sweat. In my opinion, it’s single-handedly the greatest thing that can come from your body. It’s your body’s way of saying, “Hey, you’re doing good work. Keep it up.” Whether I’m breaking down walls with my sledgehammer or typing up notes on the latest sales conference call, I’m always working hard to build up a good sweat. That’s just the way I do things. Work. Play. Sleep. I go hard whenever I do anything.
SHAWN: You know what’s more fun that sweat? Not sweating. You know, doing things like eating and watching movies. Aww, yeah, that’s a good time. Why are you working so hard? I go to the office from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. every day, not a minute longer, so I can relax the rest of my life—not spend it sweating. And in this crazy life of ours, sometimes we feel raw emotion, and sometimes that leads to tears. Tears say so much about the human condition, like “look at me, I’m crying,” and “this is sadness.” Maybe not everyone associates tears with good things, but they’re what make us human. Don’t you feel even better after a good cry? Why work so hard on a sweat, when you could just watch The Notebook and get the same rush, the same high, the same massive amount of liquid awkwardly streaming out of your head?
They're covered in tears.
RYAN: Not all of us enjoy sleeping on a tear-soaked pillow every night, Shawn. I know that’s your own little way of washing away all of life’s problems, but some of us have found a far better outlet. Through sweat. I know, I know. That requires either physical activity or turning up the thermostat, the two things you seem to avoid at all costs. But it’s worth it. When your heart starts pumping and those endorphins start kicking in, man, you feel like you can conquer the world. After working up a good sweat, you naturally hold your head high, as if bragging to the world that you feel great. Because sweat is a sign of strength. It lets people know that you’re not afraid of a little hard work. Tears, meanwhile, are a sign of weakness. It may be part of the human condition, but it’s most definitely the lame part that nobody really wants. It can hardly be considered a rush, unless of course you get a rush out of losing your composure and completely embarrassing yourself. People only feel better after a good cry because the act of crying is so damn pathetic, they have nowhere to go but up.
SHAWN: Whoa, whoa, whoa—the tear-soaked pillow adds to the effect of my waterbed, first of all. And, secondly, not all tears are for sadness. Ever see something so beautiful, like the sunset or Helen Mirren in a bathing suit, that you just started to cry and thank the Heavens for the gift of life? Ever have something so happy happen to you, like finding the love of your life or seeing Helen Mirren in a bathing suit, that you just couldn’t control the emotion and the tears? No? Well, that’s a sad life you lead then—a sad life that could only lead to the awesome emotional manifestation of tears. See—even a Grinch like yourself, who has never loved or been loved, can use tears. They’re so universal and delicious. And holding your head up high because of endorphins is like being “the funny guy” only because you’re stoned. It’s just a chemical reaction that has nothing to do with your actual accomplishments—making that a fake confidence you’re feeling, like the kind Taylor Swift inexplicably has regarding her terrible, terrible voice. Sweat is a sign of trickery, not strength. Tears are the true sign of strength. It takes a real man to show emotion and let the tears flow. And, hell, it can be a sign of just as much hard work, pushing your limits to painful tears. Man, show me a construction worker sweating and I’d say he’s doing his job; show me one that’s crying and I’ll say, “That man—nay, beast—has no fucking limits!”
Someone's been working hard!
RYAN: It worries me that you just described your tears as “delicious.” To get to the point of describing their taste means you’ve shed far more tears than what could be considered reasonable. I don’t care if they’re because you’re happy, sad, or shot, you need to get your emotions in check. How can anyone have even the slightest iota of respect for you if the smallest things put you on the verge of tears? If you spent just half the time you waste away crying actually doing something productive and sweating, then you might be strong enough to keep the ole’ water works in check. And you’re wrong; sweat has everything to do with accomplishments. We sweat because we’re working hard and making ourselves into a better people. Running a marathon. Pumping some iron. Helping a casual acquaintance move. Those, not crying, are what push us to our limits and help us grow. Can you get past the wall on mile 16? Can you finish off that last power set of squat thrusts? Can you successfully fit that couch through the doorway? It’s only through sweat that we can become better, faster, stronger people. Sweat drives the action of the world. Tears slow everything down. Instead of moving and doing, we’re left patting someone on the back and saying “There, there.”
SHAWN: Just because you think emotions are the worst things to happen to people since the Furby, it doesn’t mean I need to get mine “in check.” Emotions are the root of humanity, and you clearly only care about hiding them deep down inside, until it all comes out of the end of a sniper rifle above the D.C. Interstate. I can’t believe you’re condoning that! Feds, alert! And these aren’t small things putting me on the verge of tears—these are deaths, and natural beauty, and Helen Mirren. You must lead a sad, secluded life to think the only thing in the world worth crying over is being shot. One day you’ll experience the world—and not via a treadmill with a scrolling picture of a suburban sidewalk in front of you—and you’ll know. Quit being so shallow, you gym rat, and learn that you can get a rush, a thrill and a pure joy from God’s majesty. When all is said and done, when we’re both in our mid-40s and ready to die, you’ll be the one looking back and realizing how much time you spent doing squats. I may weigh 15 pounds more, but I’ll think back of all the joy and sadness and rapture I felt—you know, memorable things. If sweat really made you a better, faster, stronger person, where’s your Olympic Gold medal? Or, at the very least, the one marathon you’ve finished? Wait, what’s that? You haven’t finished any? I’d cry for you, but I don’t want to waste my tears. They’re too precious.
Next on Danger Queue: Seven Wonders of the World vs This Rash I’ve Had Since Sunday—So Much Documentary-Worthy Material
