RYAN: Greeks are known for two things, and only two things: big, fat weddings and gods. For all the gods they had, and they most certainly had enough to go around, there was only one true king of gods: Zeus. Sitting atop his throne on Mt. Olympus, stroking his full, manly beard, Zeus ruled the land as the god of the sky and thunder. He wasn’t into the coddling bullshit like other gods (cough…cough…Ra…). If Zeus felt wronged, he didn’t hesitate in handing out punishments. He blinded men. Turned them to stone. Condemned them to eternal torture. Killed them with thunderbolts. He may have been vengeful, but it was never without reason. Because of that, people respected him. And loved him. And he loved them all back. Oh, how he loved them. Gods, mortals, it didn’t matter. He sired so many children, he could have starred in his own reality TV show on TLC.

SHAWN: It seems Zeus has found one way to earn respect—horrible, horrible murder and putting his tool in more holes than a shovel—but there’s another way to earn respect. It’s through helping your fellow children, being a kind face in your neighborhood, helping the elderly who live in your grandparents’ boarding home-type thing, sitting on your stoop, and being just nosey enough to get into everyone else’s business for 12 minutes before letting them fly. And Zeus is not the man to do that. Not when you have Hey, Arnold! (exclamation point is a registered trademark of Nickelodeon Studios). Arnold—and the whole show really—taught kids in urban centers that they can still have fun and come together to break world records like the world’s largest calzone without the added nuisance of gangs and other things that actually exist in urban centers. But it’s no wonder a gun-clinging menopause-lover like yourself would prefer Zeus, because he’s just wretched. And I believe you forgot one other thing Greeks are known for: Criss Angel. Guess they can’t all be winners.

RYAN: Zeus was respected long before he started murdering and sexing people willy nilly, which for the record was a right he had earned as king of all gods. Even before that, he had other’s respect because of his inspirational life. Born in secrecy and raised in a cave so his father wouldn’t swallow him whole (obviously), Zeus defeated his father, saved his siblings, and then shared the world with them. It’s an epic tale that’s been told for countless generations. So, the exact opposite of Hey, Arnold! That horribly slapped-together cartoon show made no sense whatsoever. Why was his head shaped like a football? Why was he wearing such a tiny hat? And what’s the deal with him wearing a skirt? Those questions plagued the show for its entire 8-year run, which in my opinion was eight years too long. The fact it even lasted that long just proves Nickelodeon can literally put anything on TV and enjoy moderate success. If they truly want to bring in the ratings, they should create a show about Zeus. For the comedic element, they could make his sidekick a talking thunderbolt. Now THAT sounds like a great show!

SHAWN: It was shaped like a football because he’s Jewish, he wears a tiny hat because it’s the only one that could fit on his oddly shaped head between his hair, and that’s not a skirt but a plaid jacket tied around his waist like all kids in the 90s who lived in the 90210 zip code. There—I solved every problem that supposedly “plagued” the show. Not only were you apparently not smart enough to figure out a TV show designed for inner city 10-year-olds (equivalent of suburban six-year-olds), but you clearly never understood the message of Hey, Arnold!: to help one another, no matter your race, color, or ethnic group. I guess you’d prefer to be in the clouds, mercilessly striking down random children with lightning bolts. And Hey, Arnold! succeeded for eight seasons on its own merit, no matter what you say. Nickelodeon can’t put just anything on TV and get success, or have you never heard of Space Cases, My Dad the Rock Star, or the quietly brilliant but short-lived early-90s show U2U? Oh, that’s right—nobody’s heard of those. But Hey, Arnold! transcended all of those into brilliance. Meanwhile, Zeus transcended the world into evil. Being a god doesn’t excuse you from hanging your wife upside-down from the sky, sinking ships just for shits, and condemning people to having their livers eaten by a bird for all eternity. Arnold wouldn’t stand for that.

RYAN: Arnold was Jewish? Well, there’s another problem with the show. And that most certainly was not a plaid jacket tied around his waist. I don’t see any sleeves and I definitely don’t see anything knotted. Nope, that was a skirt. A slutty, high-rising skirt that would have been quite revealing if not for the leggings he wore underneath. Maybe instead of solving everyone else’s problems, Arnold should have been tackling his own gender issues. Everyone knows Nickelodeon shows are best when kids can relate to them and nobody relates to a cross-dressing nerd with a football for a head. Look at U2U. We all loved that show and idolized the kids who were on it. Like the one where some chubby kid named Shawn made his own video game, The Adventures of Bouncy Boy in Skull City. That was incredible! Youngsters like you and I grew up wanting to meet that kid, just for the chance to shake his hand. That kind of stuff never happened with Hey, Arnold! because it was such a joke from the very beginning. There’s no joking about Zeus though. In fact, you should be careful about calling Zeus “evil”. He’s not the typical 5-year-old at the park you’re used to picking on. Zeus is strong, mighty, and easily angered. He could easily smite you like you’ve never been smote in your whole life. Maybe instead of focusing on all the bad, yet warranted, things Zeus has done, you should focus on the good things: rewarding some with long life, saving his siblings, pleasuring countless women. It shouldn’t be hard. You’re doing the exact same thing with Hey Arnold!, ignoring every sign that it was a travesty of a cartoon show.

SHAWN: Arnold wore jeans under his plaid jacket kilt thing and you know it! Nobody’s buying your libel! And how can you say nobody related to someone who starred on a hit show, with a hit movie, for eight freakin’ seasons? And, hell, even if they didn’t “relate” to him, he clearly entertained audiences. You don’t relate to Lost much, but seem to enjoy that. On another note, how’s that imaginary polar bear treating you these days? Arnold taught children fine values in a delicious and hilarious way. Remember that time Helga thought she would die from monkeynucleosis from contact with a monkey? Ho ho! It taught us how to laugh and love monkeys simultaneously. Plus, you can’t possibly compare any show to the brilliance of U2U—that’s just not fair. That’s like comparing Zeus to George Clooney. Nobody can touch that man! And I’m not going to worry about Zeus because (a) I don’t live in Greece, and (b) I don’t believe in gods who distribute ironic punishments, unless you’re one of those delightful judges who like to get in national news. Zeus is just a mythical presence who didn’t do shit to inspire his people to do good, but to fear him. Arnold taught what to do, Zeus taught not to breathe annoyingly or get sentenced to a lifetime of nasal drip. In other words, Zeus is a cult—the scientology of ancient times. Hey, Arnold! was clearly nothing close to the kind of travesty Zeus is, despite the fact that no one—not any Nickelodeon character or European myth—can compare to the gentle beauty of the chubby video game kid on U2U.

Tags: Hey Arnold!, Zeus

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