One's a little dot with a tail. The other's... a little dot with a tail.

The comma. The apostrophe. Twin brothers of the punctuation world. Always in competition with one another. Constantly fighting. The comma brags about the clarity it bring to sentences. Keeping thoughts separate. Lists coherent. But don’t underestimate the apostrophe. Contractions and possessives, you can’t go a day without the apostrophe. Both look the same. Both are often misplaced. So, which punctuation mark is truly best: the comma or the apostrophe?

SHAWN: It was in 1423 that Joe Comma, King of Prussia, was out pressuring his neighboring states to build him a new castle. One of his Lords pointed out that a castle is tough to build when we can’t find product for it’s walls you know but I have bricks we could try and bricks are my favorite building materials and it could create the best thing ever. Joe then replied, “Forsooth, young Lord, try stating that again, but with gentle pauses,” and the young Lord did and, inserting commas between phrases and thoughts, informed the King of the best possible way to build his castle. Granted, thought the King, I suppose the sentence could work without my commas, but it just makes it clearer. “However, young Lord,” continued the King, “You put a comma way up high in the word ‘it’s’ when you surely did not need one. Now you die.” Long story long, from the advent of the comma, it has only added clarity and joy. Apostrophes kill.

These people sure love their commas... or apostrophes??

RYAN: Apostrophes only kill when used incorrectly. I could say the same thing for letter openers and cordless phones and waterboarding; I don’t hear anyone arguing against any of those. And anyone who doesn’t know the difference between ‘its’ and ‘it’s’ deserves to die. Or at the very least go back to the second grade where they teach the basic rules of grammar. Apostrophes are power. Commas toil away at the bottom of words while apostrophes defy gravity and bring a commanding presence to sentences. You can have your clarity and joy. I’ll take the power and possession that comes with a well-placed apostrophe. What’s that? You think that’s yours? Nope. Sorry. It’s Ryan’s now. What are you going to do about it? Nothing. Cause all you’ve got are your lowly commas.

SHAWN: Nelson Mandela once said, “After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.” In your face, apostrophe. Now that you’ve worked so hard to pretend to be all high and mighty, up there floating in the clouds, I hope you’re prepared for the road ahead. Commas, on the other hand, are the salt of the earth, the progressive and brilliant Democrats of the punctuation world. They stay close to the ground so they can stay close to the people (the letters). Commas connect and dissect sentences; apostrophes are stuck flying around WORDS. A misplaced comma means the end for a sentence; a misplaced apostrophe means…oh, wait, nothing, because it just replaces letters. Apostrophes are like the seat fillers at the Oscars. They mean nothing and people just have to deal with looking at them, while they wait for the real stars to come by – the letters. The word ‘don’t’ just means the letter O’s cuter twin, the letter O, was in the bathroom. Oh, and how many apostrophes did Mandela use in his stunning quote?

RYAN: I’m surprised that Nelson Mandela doesn’t appreciate the apostrophe. I would have thought otherwise given the fact the apostrophe is the punctuation mark that represents unity and togetherness. Do and Not? They and Are? Let and Us? They were the Capulets and Montagues of the etymological world. Constantly fighting and always separated by at least one space. Now they’re holding hands and dancing together as the wonderful contractions we use on a daily basis. And the comma? The comma is the anti-apostrophe. Separating thoughts and ideas for no reason at all. Two complete thoughts joined by a conjunction are now separated by a hideous comma. Why can’t we let the two sentences stand together as one? I’ll tell you why. Because every comma deep down wants to be an apostrophe. It wants to break free from its chains and fly free across the tops of the words.

SHAWN: Well, well, well, Mr. Rose-Colored Stupid Glasses, you think the apostrophe brings words together? I bet you also think the US going into Iraq has brought together the Middle East. That freewheeling douchebag apostrophe is the kind of arrogant punctuation mark that just flies in out of nowhere and forces two perfectly happy independent words into one shorter, dumber word. I don’t know about you, but don’t you call taking away someone’s independence and forcing them to be like everyone else COMMUNISM? The comma lets words keep their dignity and strength, and allows the complete sentence to flow in peace and unity. Like Abraham Lincoln. Just because you shove two things together doesn’t make it better, as your “premier dish” of ham ice cream surely demonstrates.

RYAN: No one put a gun to your head and made you eat my ham ice cream. And the apostrophe doesn’t force words to come together against their will. ‘Do’ and ‘Not’ are free to do whatever they want. Stay separate. Come together. The apostrophe could care less. It will find another two words that appreciate what it can do. But you sure did use the apostrophe a lot for someone who supposedly despises it so much. Why is that? Because you can’t not use the apostrophe. It’s a vital tool to language. Try to not use it without sounding like a total douchebag. You can’t. And how many times did I use your brilliant and dignifying comma? Not once. Because the comma is the prostitute of language. No one really needs them; they’re just there for you to fall back on when you’re lazy and have no clue what you’re doing.

Next on Danger Queue: Rulers vs Yardsticks—Size Doesn’t Always Matter

One's got America. The other's full of Italians.

Now that The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants 2 proved the first film was no fluke, the comparisons to one of the other greatest film sagas were inevitable. Luckily, we’re going to end this heated debate once and for all. Which series is better — The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants or The Godfather?

RYAN: A lot of the naysayers question the validity of the traveling pants. “How can these pants fit all those girls of various heights and waists?” they’ll say all naysayingly. Yeah, like the mafia is real. Everyone knows the mafia was invented by the media to be used as a convenient story arc in movies and television shows (I’m looking at you, Sopranos). Maybe I’m wrong (probably not), but I’d much rather live in a world of magical pants that always fit instead of a world of violence, greed, and overused racial stereotypes. But that’s probably because I still don’t fit into anything in the men’s section of Kohl’s.

She doesn't keep those magical pants on long.

SHAWN: What brings people together more than sharing one pair of pants? How about sharing the secret of who shot Don Corleone? Yeah, traveling pants may be vital for a proper sisterhood, but a true brotherhood is brought by blood. From Now and Then to the Ya-Yas to Live Free or Die Hard, films about sisterhoods have been cliché and wrought with half-assed bonding over loss of virginity. EVERYBODY does that once they move out of their mom’s basement; I’d rather catch a movie about the unique interest of organized murder, something I only engage in on given periods (and NOT the kind staining the traveling pants). Do they even wash them? Drop the pants. Leave the cannoli.

RYAN: You’re naive if you think The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants (or TSOTTP for the uninitiated) is solely about pants. Maybe if you opened your eyes (and heart) you’d see that the pants are simply the catalyst for a story full of life lessons about friends, family, and growing up a little too fast in this crazy world. And the loss of virginity was only one of not two, not three, not four, but FOUR compelling stories in TSOTTP. How many does The Godfather have? One? Zero? One? Please. But you’re right. I guess not every movie can have an original theme like The Godfather. What’s that about again? Finding your place and earning people’s respect? Isn’t that just Johnny Tremain? But less patriotic.

SHAWN: First of all, you’re just angry because you got the pants after America Ferrera and she stretched ‘em all out. Secondly, the pants as a catalyst to forge love and friendships? Yeah, there’s an original plot: using one thing to represent something else. I believe that’s the plot of a book that came out a few years before Johnny Tremain…THE BIBLE! And God knows nobody reads THAT thing anymore. And let’s talk compelling stories, shall we? Running time of TSOTTP2: 1hr 57min. Running time of The Godfather: 2hr 55min. Apparently, tales of mob deviations can hold an audience a few minutes longer than tales of getting a C+ in Biology. Oh, and I don’t remember Stanley Kubrick calling TSOTTP the “greatest movie ever made.” Maybe second or even third, but NOT first. Plus, lest we forget they were both based on novels, one written for forward-thinking, intelligent, well-read adults and the other for the Jonas Brothers.

RYAN: You’re just jealous I got into America Ferrera’s pants while you’re still living in your mom’s basement rocking your stained zubas. And did you really just argue that The Godfather is better cause it’s longer? You of all people should know (or at least hope) that length doesn’t matter. Otherwise, The Postman and Waterworld would have to be considered two of the greatest achievements in cinematic history. And I don’t even think Kevin Costner’s own mother would make that argument (she’s still alive, right?). But, evidently Stanley Kubrick calls it the “greatest movie ever made”? Isn’t that like an American Idol contestant getting a good review from Paula Abdul? It makes you feel good, but then you realize she’s drunk and says the same thing to everyone. Oh, wait. Sorry. She’s jet lagged. Jet. Lagged.

SHAWN: You’ve been in America Ferrera’s pants? Congratulations—you’ve just joined the ranks of a ball of lint, a ham sandwich, and Amelia Earhart. And way to turn our first valid P/CP completely personal. We can just end this now: award count. The Godfather: 3 Oscars including Best Picture, 5 Golden Globes, a Directors Guild of America award, a Writers Guild of America award, numerous Film Critics’ awards, and a Grammy. Yeah, it’s a movie and it won a freaking Grammy. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: Teen Choice Award nominee for Choice Movie Hissy Fit. And it didn’t even win! Don’t worry, though; neither did fellow nominee Monster-in-Law. And if Pirates of the Carribbean: The Treasure of the Lost Monster That Fell Down a Well and Then Came Back With the Treasure didn’t already take the award for longest title, TSOTTP2 would have and the reading of it alone would’ve sent it past Waterworld standards. The Godfather says what it is and gets right to the action. Like America Ferrera did for you.

"I didn't see Cabaret. Did you?"

Illusions, Michael.

Ryan: I’ll counter that with Final Countdown by Europe, which just came up on my iPod.

Shawn: I don’t remember the part of that song where Europe tells you not to stop believing. Because, sometimes, that’s what you really need to hear.

Thanks, Journey. Thanks.

Ryan: Maybe you don’t appreciate the subtle genius of Europe’s lyrics.

We’re leaving together

But still it’s farewell

So true, Europe. So true.

And don’t forget the rhyming of “Venus” with “seen us’.