The future is now, but it's kinda boring.

SHAWN: Hear that engine roaring? No? You mean, I’m rocking the streets of Chicago and it doesn’t sound like I’m stabbing a deer with a whooping cough while simultaneously starting a lawnmower? Why, that must mean I’m cruising in the greatest invention of the past four billion years, the age of the Earth—the electric car. Not only is it great for the environment, but it’s compact, sexy and purrs less than a dead kitten. Sure, it may not reach high speeds, but I live in Chicago, where everything’s just a few miles away, the perfect jaunt for the electric car. Maybe if more people owned them, stores would be built closer, people would stay in their neighborhoods more, the economy would rebound entirely, and the earth would be saved. Interesting that one invention could quite literally make the world awesome. What’s more interesting is that you don’t own one. Get on it, Hoggish Greedly!

RYAN: You dare call me greedy? You’re the one driving a car around Chicago, a city renowned for its vast network of public transportation. Driving an electric car doesn’t make you better than everyone else. It makes you a pain in the ass whenever someone wants to go faster than 12 mph, which is everyone all the time. Congrats on being “that guy”. I’ll gladly let you have all the electric cars in the world so long as I can have my model trains. Model trains are as timeless as they are fantastic. Each one brimming with fascinating detail. See the conductor waving his hat out the window? See the dating couple holding hands in the passenger car? What fun! Your electric car may take you to all those seedy bodegas and coffee shops you always frequent, but my model trains take me to a simpler, far more pleasant time. A time when the world wasn’t burdened with problems like Social Security, universal healthcare, and Rosie O’Donnell’s love life. With model trains, the biggest problem I have is choosing which engine to use. The GP38-2 locomotive can pull with the best of them, but boy, the GE Diesel Locomotive sure makes it look easy!

Who unplugged my Mickey Mouse nightlight?

SHAWN: For the record, the majority of electric cars can accelerate just as fast as non-electric cars (I-hate-America cars, as I like to call them), and can easily reach speeds of 50 mph, no slower than your average sedated soccer mom. Wait—and what’s this?—because of their light bodies and smaller engines, electric vehicles actually can accelerate faster? Eat my dust, I-hate-America car. Who’s “that guy” now? (Editors note: It’s you.) Plus, electric cars are vehicles that suit our time, unlike model trains. Really? When was the last time anyone ever bought a model train from anywhere other than an antique store? And when was the last time that person was less then 112 years old? Model trains are way past their prime, what with the advent of the pog, the Wii and, hell, even the ball-in-a-cup is a more contemporary, MTV-generation style of toy. Even if those model trains take you to simpler times—as you sit alone in your basement, in your underwear, watching them go in circles, alone—it doesn’t mean you’re there. You still have to snap back into a world of climate change, healthcare and owl attacks. Enjoy your rude awakening.

RYAN: I may live in a world plagued by monstrous owls and health reform, but my heart will always lie in my own model train town, which I have named Heavensvilletownsylvania. When I play with these model trains, the hours just fly by. Oh, the freight train’s passin’ through town again. Everyday at 4:17 on the dot. Look at all the townspeople watching in awe as the beautiful GE Diesel Locomotive triumphantly moves on the tracks. I wonder where it’s going and what it’s carrying. Charcoal? Cattle feed? Paper clips? See? Model trains are unquestionable fun. That’s why there’s dozens, if not hundreds, of eBay listings for model trains at this very moment. And it’s never too late to get in on the action. You might have noticed all the model train shows going down if you weren’t so busy bragging about all the “wonders” of your electric car. The electric car might be silent, but the pretentiousness that comes with driving one sure is loud. Oh, wow, it can accelerate like a normal car? And goes up to 50 mph? Wowee! It’s just like every other car, except it’s not suitable for highway driving, can’t go long distances, and costs way more. Oh, the wonders of technology!

Downtown Heavensvilletownsylvania has been booming ever since Reagan left office.

SHAWN: Wow. You should probably seek some professional help. I mean, I was glad those Narnia kids finally got institutionalized, but they’re nothing compared to your flights of fancy in Heavensvilletownsylvania. And it sure doesn’t sound like much fun, watching the same train go down the same track every single day at the exact same time, even if there are paperclips in it instead of, say, large-sized paperclips. Call me crazy, but even that probably isn’t that exciting as I’m 100 percent certain that you put those paperclips there yourself. And thanks for proving my point that there aren’t any kids today running to the toy store to buy model trains that no one makes anymore: that’s exactly why there are so many on eBay. And, last I checked, having a ton of something on eBay actually means nobody wants it. How many bids are on them? Oh, let’s check…hmm, interesting…yeah, a lot have none. None, folks. Meanwhile, electric cars are selling like hotcakes, and not just for the tax credits. When celebrities like Woody Harrelson, George Clooney and Tom Hanks are driving them, they have to be cool. How many celebrities boast about their model trains? Okay, how many celebrities under 90? Plus, 50 mph and short distances are perfect if you live in an urban environment and care about the earth—which, last I checked, you do live on. Besides, you probably don’t need to drive much anyway, with that fun model train in your basement keeping you busy. All aboard the Idiot Express! Ryan’s driving! And there’s a shipment of binder clips that need to go in circles ASAP!

RYAN: I don’t know how anyone can trust your opinion on anything right now, considering you think that driving a block and a half and going no faster than 50 mph is perfect for car. That may be enough for you, but there’s hundreds of millions of people who don’t live in an urban environment. What are they supposed to do? It’s not like country roads have electrical outlets for charging up your cute little car every time you need to make it up a hill. Electric cars might save the Earth (we’ll see), but the whole point of cars is to see the Earth. Take a road trip, roll the window down, and take in the sights. Electric cars will kill the road trip with their 50 mile limitation. But, wow, celebrities like Woody Harrelson are driving electric cars! I guess I didn’t realize that celebrites were the standard by which we judge all things. Well, if that’s the case, then maybe you’ve heard of someone by the name of Rod Stewart. Yes, the Rod Stewart. He’s not only a Grammy-award winning musician, he’s also a dedicated model train enthusiast. And then there’s the late great Frank Sinatra. If that wasn’t enough, and we both know it is, how about Phil Collins? Yeah. He delayed the release of an album because he was having so much fun with his model trains. Electric cars may be the wave of the future, but model trains actually stopped Phil Collins from making music. Yeah. You can concede now.

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