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SHAWN: Burt Reynolds. Aretha Franklin. Myself. The world is filled with beautiful, noble creatures, but even they take a backseat to the most beautiful and noble of them all—the colt. Young, nubile and stunning, the adolescent male horse is an animal to behold. With his gorgeous hoofs, trotting ability and the fact that his kind was actually the advent of all modern transportation, the colt is an unstoppable force. Today, colts still plow fields and carry Persian princes into battle, but they are also fine ingredients in food, milk and glue—a triumvirate of the world’s most important necessities. And talk about athleticism! They can jump steeples in a single bound and do so with their chests outstretched, their manes flowing in the wind, and their gigantic white teeth glistening in the morning sun. Sure, Burt Reynolds can do the same, but you can’t melt him down into a fine adhesive.

RYAN: There’s nothing beautiful or noble about a colt, no matter how nubile it may be. True beauty and true nobility come not from flowing manes and trotting ability. They come from selflessness and generousity, like that of the world-famous givers of the world—the saint. From the early days of our civilization to as recently as last Friday, saints have tirelessly worked to make our world a better place by teaching, helping, and providing. Saints are so unquestionably awesome, they’re the one thing that most religions agree on. Catholicism, Lutherism, Hinduism, Hasselhoffism—they all use the title “saint” to recognize these special individuals for their efforts. Even Judaism has something similar to a saint. Makes sense, since “saint” is a kickass permanent title that’s kept long after the individual has passed on. But colt is just a temporary label used to describe a stage in a horse’s life. Oh, you’re a colt now. That’s like bragging about being a preteen. Please. Talk to me when you’re a stallion, cause those things rock. Oh, what? You’re going to be a gelding? Too bad.

Look to St. Cassian for all your shorthand writing needs. But no long-hand. He's only one man.

SHAWN: Just because you know that if you were a colt you’d be primped for the role of gelding before you were one doesn’t mean we need to rule out all colts because they have the potential to grow into some sexless beast. Colts, unlike geldings, are still untouched and beautiful. And they have so much potential! The world’s their oyster. They could be racing horses, riding horses, grazing horses, horse horses, astronauts—the sky’s the limit! You know who the sky isn’t the limit for? Saints. Because they’re practically all dead. Sure, maybe some are now up in the sky, looking down and judging us, but the fact remains that many saints only became saints by fucking up. Getting a million arrows shot at you makes you a saint. Congrats? And many saints also end up becoming patron saints of God-knows-what. Hey, Saint Albinus of Algers, patron saint of pirate attacks, get ready for an eternity of people praying to you whenever they get raped and pillaged by Johnny Depp. He must field, what, zero prayers a day? Maybe one a year from Winona Ryder? Sounds fun! Plus, saints take the focus away from the Lord God Almighty, who can do way more than comfort you about your rheumatism (Saint Ursus of Aosta), your dysentery (Saint Polycarp) or your life as a shorthand-writer (Saint Cassian of Imola)—and His name’s way easier to spell.

RYAN: You sound like Mel Kiper Jr. talking all about the potential of the colt. It’s too bad we all know that potential doesn’t count for shit anymore. Every new movie, CD, song, television show, politician, actor, or athelete that comes along, all we hear about is all of the potential. Could be the next big thing, they all say. But all that “potential”, if it was even there in the first place, inevitibly goes unfulfilled. Talking about all the great things a colt could do is like talking about all the money you could win with the lottery ticket you just bought. Yeah, it could happen. But it won’t, and just like my wife, you’ll be left thoroughly disappointed. There’s no disappointment with the saints, seeing as how they’re already proven winners. They spent their life doing good and were rewarded with sainthood, which is why they should be looked to in times of need. And yes, that includes pirate attacks. Seeing as how your internet activity is limited to porn and porn-themed sudokus, I don’t expect you to know all about the recent surge in pirate attacks. Maybe those wouldn’t be happening if people prayed to Saint Albinus of Angers a little more often. If you really want that colt of yours to become an astronaut, you better start praying to Saint Hippolytus of Rome, the patron saint against sick horses. I’d hate to see a severe case of horse flu rob it of all that potential.

Nothing can tame that wild mane.

SHAWN: See! There’s a freaking patron saint of sick horses! Colts are so damn important that even the religious sector has to admit that they provide a much-needed benefit for society. Colts are pretty much the most vital thing humans could ever have. Saints aren’t real and just supply false hope, as you pointed out yourself when I tricked you into pointing out that there has been a recent surge of pirate attacks! Where’s your Saint Albinus of Algers now? Clearly not stopping the attacks! That’s right—he’s useless, just like all your saints. But you know what’s not useless? A wonderful colt that can provide everything from transportation to meat. Without colts, we wouldn’t have horses, and subsequently wouldn’t have cars, gambling, saddles and every other one of man’s greatest inventions. And, sure, some actors with potential don’t become famous, but you know what actor did? George Clooney. And colts are the George Clooney of the animal kingdom. They not only fulfill their potential, but they have enough money to commit only to the most important projects and only take back-end fees for The Men Who Stare at Goats. Obviously, the saints provide way more disappointment, as people across the globe pray to Saint Uncle Pennybags or whatever to find $20 and don’t. You can rely on colts: when you find one, it’s going to nay, gallop and be overall awesome. Speaking of overall awesome, porn-themed Sudokus are now a registered trademark of Danger Queue, so back off, entrepreneurs!

RYAN: Ha! I saw right through your pirate attack trap, which is why I specifically said that people haven’t been praying to Saint Albinus of Angers. If they had been, then clearly we wouldn’t be hearing about all those pirate attacks. Seems odd to me that someone like you, who foolishly believes that all colts turn into something amazing, doesn’t believe in something as simple as a saint. Not real? False hope? Try telling that to the men imprisoned in the Tower of Angers who were freed by Albinus. Funny how you think he, along with all saints, is useless when he actually proved himself to be quite the opposite. I guess we just can’t trust you as a judge of anything right now, especially after this sad, pathetic love affair you have with colts, which you dubbed the “George Clooney of the animal kingdom”. Does that mean colts are severely overrated and pretentious with a career built solely on good looks? Cause that sounds about right. I guess you can rely on colts to trot, nay, gallop, and taste delicious, but how can that make them special when that applies to every single kind of horse? Foals. Yearlings. Fillys. Mares. Stallions. Geldings. So your entire argument boils down to colts are awesome because they are reliable and act like horses? Wow. Circular logic at its finest, everybody. Though you forgot to mention how pretty colts are too. Oh, wait. You did.

Next On Danger Queue: Sweat vs Tears—Sorry, Blood, You Can Sit This One Out