It's even better if you sit in the front row.

SHAWN: Weeeeeeeeeeeee! Wee! Wee! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! That’s the sound of me, on a roller coaster, having some of the most fun of my life. Where else can humans experience the excitement and thrill of soaring up and then down, and sometimes even motherfucking upside-down? It’s crazy. Just remembering the adventure of your first roller coaster experience makes you want to go back. Remember the anticipation as your metal car creaks up its first wooden hill and the emptiness of your stomach as it rapidly descended like Shia LaBeouf’s balls will one day? And then there’s the realization that you’re flying and soaring and laughing and screaming all at once. It’s like encountering the most honest and emotional parts of life in only three minutes. Plus, dude, roller coasters are really fucking sweet.

RYAN: Roller coasters are hardly worth talking about. I’d say they’re nothing more than a cheap thrill, but frankly they’re not even cheap. It costs you $50 for a ticket and then you have to wait in line for an hour, maybe even two. All that for a three-minute ride. Hardly seems worth it. Especially since the highs and lows of roller coasters are completely manufactured. You want real highs and real lows?  Fancy yourself a fan of danger, excitement, and living on the edge? Then look no further than menopause. It’s nature’s version of roller coaster, except it doesn’t last mere minutes. It can last days, months, years, even years! But wait, you’re probably saying right now, I’m a man and I can’t experience the fun of menopause. Wrong! Menopause is so much fun for women they just can’t help but share it with all those around them. Better grab onto something, cause you’re about to go on the ride of a lifetime!

Looks like someone got a little too excited.

SHAWN: Do you live in the Hamptons? Or maybe Narnia? I’m not sure where you’re finding $50 roller coaster rides, but that’s about as mythical a statement as “no terrorist attacks happened under Bush” (how quickly we all have forgotten about Scooby-Doo 2). Maybe you’re referring to the $50 tickets to Six Flags, in which you get a whole gamut of amusement park rides and all the roller coasting you could dream of for an entire day—not a bad deal. Go to a smaller park or local county faire and you can enjoy the pure bliss of roller coasting for a mere $1 per ride. Only the best roller coasters have a long line and, dammit, dropping 400 feet in 12 seconds is totally worth it. As for menopause, even though women love to share it with those around them, as a dude, you will never experience the true “natural roller coaster” of it—so you better fork over a few bucks if you ever want to have a little fun. Plus, menopause may be fun and all, but the end result is infertility, depriving women and men of something even more of a roller coaster—pregnancy. Luckily, the only actual roller coasters that end with infertility are the standing ones that crush your balls.

RYAN: No, I don’t live in Narnia, no matter how many closets I check. Unfortunately, I live in the real world. And in the real world, roller coasters cost money. A lot of money if you want to ride a good one. Don’t even start on the ones at the county fair. Even at $1, they’re overpriced. You’d get more excitement and thrills from riding a Big Wheels down the hill of a retention pond. As for the amusement park roller coasters, you might think that long wait is worth it for those 12 seconds of fun, but trust me on this one. Women want their fun to last longer than that. A LOT longer than that. That’s why menopause is so fantastic. It lasts plenty long, which is why nobody ever complains about not getting their money’s worth. Because it’s completely free, courtesy of mother nature. So what if menopause closes the door on the potential for having kids? By that time in their lives, women should have already crapped out all the kids they wanted. If it weren’t for menopause, grandparents today might still be welcoming new babies to the family. Hey, Shawn, go say “hi” to your Uncle Stevie… and change his diaper while you’re at it. And you’re sorely mistaken if you think as dudes we don’t get to experience the roller coaster of menopause. Mark my words, in 40 years we’ll make an update to this blog entry to just say “Shawn concedes the point”.

If I can't have any more babies, I'm taking yours!

SHAWN: Does that last comment mean I have to stay friends with you for 40 years? Because my plan was to ditch you sometime in 2013 when my first album—Heat Street—goes triple platinum in Germany. Don’t worry—I’ll give you royalties for coming up with the title of the second track, “Ryan’s Wrong All the Time.” And Ryan’s most wrong today, folks, about nobody complaining about menopause. Hell, most women would say menopause doesn’t last long enough (the same complaints issued against Ryan), while others would prefer they get to choose when it happens. There’s magic in the fact that you get to decide when you want to experience the pure thrill and escapism of a roller coaster. Menopause happens to you, whenever the hell it wants to. We’d be way better without it. Plus, it’s not like menopause is the only thing keeping grandparents from reproducing—there’s also the fact that the elderly don’t have sex. On top of that, if women really don’t want kids, there are ways to tie certain tubes to accomplish it, and they can get that done whenever they want. Fuck you, menopause, you forceful tyrant. Now, it sounds like your main complaint against roller coasters is cost? Welcome to America, where the most fun costs the most money (one day you’ll experience a high-end $10 prostitute and you won’t be able to stop talking about the difference). But, even then, fun roller coasters are a steal, as they come jam-packed with a whole amusement park of amusements. All menopause comes jam-packed with is withered ovaries.

RYAN: Heat Street’s finally dropping in 2013? I just figured with the way you kept building that album up, it was going to be this decade’s Chinese Democracy. I may still be right, since it will probably suck just as much. Speaking of sucking, way to read there, Shawn. I never said women don’t complain about menopause. I said they don’t complain about getting their money back. Big difference, in that what I said can never be proven wrong. Still, anyone with half a brain can see the value of menopause. If making the hard decisions and preventing dangerously late-in-life pregnancies makes menopause a forceful tyrant, then so be it. But those decisions have to be made. And I don’t trust people to make it for themselves. It’s cute that you you think the grandparents of the world aren’t bumping their wrinkled uglies. Oh, to be that naive! Spend more than three minutes in a retirement home and you’ll realize those places are nothing more than extremely well-supervised orgies. Funny though, that when given the choice, some people so adamantly choose not to ride roller coasters. I thought they were supposed to be magical and delightful. So why are people moved to tears when forced to ride one? Maybe cause they’re not nearly as much fun as people want. Maybe cause each year, as many as five (FIVE!) people die each year. In my book, that’s five too many. Menopause may be bad an all, but at least no one ever dies from it.

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