Bridesmaids vs Groomsmen
August 1st, 2011
It's like a big game of who's gonna fuck who.
RYAN: What happens when you take a unique collection of women from all walks of life, put them together in a day-long event, and force them all to comically wear the same dress? You got yourself a set of bridesmaids, that’s what. And bridesmaids are easily the best part of any wedding. Don’t get me wrong. I love the smell of true love, the sharing of nuptials, and poorly written speeches as much as the next gal. But bridesmaids bring so much to the table. When you get any group of women together, there’s bound to be deep-seeded emotions: jealousy, distrust, annoyance, bloatedness. Normally those feelings get buried down (because that’s what girls do best), but when you force them to get all whored up and watch someone they know get married, they always boil over. You just have to watch for it. Who boxed someone out a little too seriously during the bouquet toss? Who danced a little close with the groom? Who drank a bit too much wine during dinner? It’s always a bridesmaid and, dammit, it’s always entertaining.
SHAWN: Taking a unique collection of women and shoving them all together for a whole day. Oh, God, that sounds horrible. And bitchy. And really, really passive-aggressive. Bridesmaides sound horrible and destructive for everyone around them. Why can’t they just be relaxed and chill, looking for a little party and poon after a long Catholic wedding? That’s where groomsmen come in, the unstrung heroes of every wedding. They’re low-stress, lots of fun, and pretty damn civilized until it’s 11 p.m., the bar and the dance floor are both still open, and grandma’s already left anyway. That’s when groomsmen shine, to save the reception, move fun-loving folks to the afterparty, and somehow muster some semblance of energy that no one cares to—nay, wants to—even have. Maybe we’re all busy pointing and laughing at bridesmaids, but we’re standing in awe of groomsmen who, for one night, put aside boyish games to make sure this wedding is actually the goddamn party it’s supposed to be.

Always trust groomsmen to safely guard your sepia-toned cars.
RYAN: Bridesmaids aren’t so much horrible and destructive as they are…fine. They’re horrible and destructive. But that’s exactly why they’re so great. Look, we’ve all been to countless weddings by now, to the point where they’re no longer fun or exciting. Instead, they’re chores. And the only thing that makes them even remotely memorable is the disaster that comes from having as many bridesmaids as possible (for the sake of this argument, I’m also including personal attendants, as we all know they’d be bridesmaids if the groom had more friends). Their snide comments, cattiness, and overall disdain for their friend getting married is what keeps us interested during the otherwise bland ceremony and reception. Oh, look: chicken with potatoes. I haven’t had that since the last wedding I was at. Last week. You just admitted that groomsmen do little to nothing before/during/after the wedding, and we’re supposed to respect them for that? That sounds like a case of lowered expectations, which I know you thrive on. Oh, but groomsmen get the party going at 11 p.m.? Wow, that sounds awesome, until the bar closes in 30 minutes. Good work, groomsmen!
SHAWN: I don’t understand how these fun-loving groomsmen are “chores,” while your “horrible and destructive” bridesmaids are apparently great. I haven’t seen horror and destruction lauded like that since Dachau. Clearly, based on your argument, you like bridesmaids because they’re like train wrecks and you can’t stop staring. That said, how can you favor train wrecks? People die in train wrecks! Trains get wrecked in train wrecks! Bruce Willis turns into a superhero or something in train wrecks! That’s all wretched, wretched stuff right there. Most importantly, no one would want a train wreck at their wedding. Groomsmen staying quiet is a godsend for brides and grooms, as they can remain the sole focus of this, the most important day of their lives. We all know it’s downhill from there, so why ruin it, bridesmaids? As for the bar closing at 11:30, I’m not sure if you’ve heard of other bars, but they now occupy buildings outside the party center of Bloomingdale’s. Yeah, and that’s where the groomsmen will be at 11:31, keeping the party going.

Bridesmaids, amiright?
RYAN: Oh, of course. Going to other bars! What a fantastic, properly thought out idea. I remember I did that after a wedding once in Cleveland. It worked out great, too. We got to the bar, ordered a drink, and then were told the bar was closing in 10 minutes. It’s understandable. I mean, it was close to 11 p.m. What kind of crazy bar stays open after 11? I think you’re missing the point on this whole wedding discussion. I’m not talking about your own wedding. Obviously no one wants a train wreck at their wedding, unless of course it’s an from unmanned train carrying moltern phenol, as told in the fabulous Denzel Washington movie Philadelphia. I’m talking about someone else’s wedding, where anything goes because I’m not the one paying for it. I want something memorable, something I can tell everyone for weeks, if not months, afterwards. Tales about timid groomsmen who do nothing for six hours don’t quite cut it. Their indifference to the whole wedding is, to be frank, offputing. But bridesmaids, oh, sweet, sweet bridesmaids. They care. They care to the point of ridiculousness. Groomsmen don’t give a shit, and it shows in everything from walking down the aisle to the garter toss. Half the time the garter lands on the floor because the groomsmen wouldn’t even bother lifting their arms up. But when that bouquet is tossed, those bridesmaids are boxing out like Dennis Rodman on the low post. And they only look slightly less ridiculous.
SHAWN: Don’t bring real facts into this, asshole. My wedding in Cleveland and the fact that all bars there close at noon has no bearing on the fact that groomsmen like to keep the party going long after it’s supposed to have ended. They make people love coming to weddings, because there might actually be partying. You know what’s not partying? Watching a bunch of shrews manhandle each other for a bundle of flowers, or watching a father-daughter dance. God, just make out all ready and kill the tension! Either way, groomsmen know what people want, and probably should be consulted far more on wedding planning. Groomsmen are what make weddings memorable. How many times do people leave a wedding, raving about how that one bridesmaid “politely took her hair down at 10:30, only to take it right back up”? You also still never told us why you think bridesmaids care. Could it be the fact that they stand next to their best friend, seething uncontrollably, wishing death upon her closest family, hoping she meets a cute boy at the reception? And you know what? Even if the bridesmaid meets one, he’ll be too busy partying, even if he squeezes in a one-night stand. That’s what groomsmen do—nay, that’s who they do.
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