
No, after you.
SHAWN: Ah, life. It can get a little rough. Bad things happen quite a bit, and sometimes to good people. How can we all live together and get through it all? Well, luckily, there’s one quality that truly makes the world worth living in, and that’s kindness. Human kindness is the greatest attribute God’s given us. Like a rainbow built on the hope of swans, we are filled with great joy when someone’s kind to us. And you know what? It fills us with joy when we’re kind to others as well! Nothing bad comes from kindness, unless you count smiles, hugs and puppies as bad. Sometimes, when I think about human kindness, I want to skip and sing, and lust for life as I do every morning. Thanks to kindness, we can all live in harmony, and I don’t have to skip and sing alone. It’s just so wonderful. Now it’s your turn, Ryan, my friend. Good luck with your argument! Not that you’ll need it, as you are so very good at this, and handsome.
RYAN: How dare you call me grizzled and ugl-wait, wha?!? Friend? Good? Handsome? That doesn’t sound right at all. You always attack, degrade, and belittle me. This newfound kindness just seems off. So forced and contrived. I have a hard time believing any of it, to be perfectly honest. But I have no problem believing in generosity. Unlike kindness, generosity has a tangible element that makes it unquestionably real. Kindness gets you nothing more than a worthless compliment, usually phony or backhanded. “Oh, great job, losing that big game!” Pssshawww. That doesn’t help. But if someone says “Oh, you lost game but, here, have a pizza!”, your spirits are lifted. That’s the magic of generosity. It puts something in your hands to make you feel better. Maybe I’m giving you the last chicken wing. Maybe I’m giving you my DVD copy of Last Action Hero. Maybe I’m buying you an amazing birthday present. Regardless of what it is, my generosity makes you feel better. Your kindness only makes me wonder if you even mean what you say.

For the love of God, how can we be sure he’s sincere?
SHAWN: If you care so much about generosity, you striking young chap, where’s my copy of Last Action Hero? I don’t see it anywhere. Thinking about generosity is good and all, but it requires follow through, and you just don’t see that often, as unfortunate as it is. How many homeless people do you walk by on a daily basis? How many losing little league teams do you buy pizzas for? How many times do you plow a pedestrian down on the sidewalk and not leave a few bucks in your wake? Kindness, however, is something anyone can give. You don’t have to have millions of dollars to throw around to be kind, and it’s way easier for even those people to follow through with. Thanks for holding the door for me, homeless guy! It’s okay that you lost, little league team the South Elgin Elks, but you’ll get ‘em next time! Sure, it’s no pizza, but it still warms your heart and people are way more willing to give it up. Some people just don’t need material things to lift their spirits. They’re not shallow. Sometimes a smile or a door being held open is the greatest gift you could give—way greater than that DVD I’m still waiting for, you wonderful gem.
RYAN: I only said “maybe” I’m giving you my Last Action Hero DVD. It was purely a hypothetical, and even in the hypothetical, I wouldn’t give it to you. Maybe I’d be more likely to be so generous with my prized possessions if I for a second actually believed in your kindness. Unfortunately for you, you’ve got a history of being the exact opposite of kind—unkind, if you will—so it will take a long time for you to completely wipe that slate clean. The nice thing about generosity is its impact is felt immediately. Maybe a rich old man used to be stingy with his money, but if he chooses one day to donate a large sum of money to the town’s orphanage, then all will be forgotten. Because actions speak louder than your hollow words ever could. Kindness is easier to follow through on only because it requires you to do so very little. You can tell that team of Little Leaguers they played a good game, but everyone, including them, knows if that were true, they would have won. Your kindness is really just a bold-faced lie. Call me crazy if you must, but I just don’t believe lying to people is the best way to warm their hearts. Not when the gift of giving is much more real and meaningful.

Bet you feel better now.
SHAWN: The fact that you letting me have your DVD was just a hypothetical proves my point about the fleeting nature of generosity, you delightful little cunt. It’s all about kindness. And, hell, whether or not the kindness is real or not, kind actions are awesome. Hugs are great. Doors held open are fabulous. A few nice words make even the biggest dick like you feel like the goddess that you are. And damn straight I’m kind, even if sometimes I tease you a little because you’re such an easy target. The only slate I have to wipe clean is my ass because of all the bullshit you’re giving me. Generosity may have immediate impact, but even you just used the word “if” when describing the old man giving money. Well, douche, what if giving is too much work for him? Then it’s all moot! Generosity takes so much out of you that kindness is the easy, better, smarter way to go. You can’t run out of kindness, like how you run out of roofies every Saturday. Plus, you feel the effects of kindness immediately (also unlike roofies)—by not having a door slam on your face or feeling all warm and fuzzy inside (the same feeling Ryan gets from pictures of naked boys). And, yes, actions can be stronger than words, but there is such thing as kind actions, and it doesn’t necessarily require you giving away half of your hard-earned money. Kindness creates peace and love and goddamn relationships, and those keep this motherfucking world afloat, you filthy son of a bitch!
RYAN: Ha! Thanks for showing your true colors and proving that kindness is as fake and ingenuine as a Tiger Woods apology. And just like Tiger, you’re wrong. How can you say it doesn’t matter if kindness is real or not? That’s the only thing that matters. If it’s not real, it’s not meaningful, and if it’s not meaningful, then what’s the point? Just admit the only reason anyone is ever kind to someone is for their own selfish reasons. You only hold doors open for women so you can check them out from behind. You only hug people so you can feel the elusive warmth of physical contact. And you only share nice words with people so you can, if only briefly, feel less like an asshole. True, there may be ulterior motives to anyone’s generosity, but the difference is that generosity undisputedly benefits everyone involved. If an old man donates money to an orphanage, he feels better about himself and the children are less likely to be put down. So what if there is an “if” involved? That “if” is what makes generosity real. It’s a choice. Not some forced thing you feel like you have to do, like holding open a door. Oh, thanks for giving two seconds of your time to hold open a door I could have opened myself. Whoopity fucking doo. That doesn’t change the fact the other 86,398 seconds of the day, you’re a total dick. And really, only calling you a dick is me being generous. You’re welcome.
Next on Danger Queue: Gene Winthrop vs Akira Fakename—Which Oscar-Winning Magician/Philanthropist Will Come Out On Top?
























